I didn’t want to expose Kyra to more embarassment due to her poison ivy, but I had to pick up a friend from out of town, at the mall.  We ended up staying to eat lunch in the food court, and I noticed two things:

First, that people looked at Kyra’s face, a lot.  Her poison ivy rash hasn’t responded to the treatments yet, and it looks like a huge burn or a massive birthmark on her face and neck.  I was probably more aware than normal, but I know Kyra was self-concious, too.

The second thing I realized was that people were so… considerate.  Some looked away quickly, but most made a point of smiling at Kyra.  Several people made comments to her, like, “You’re holding your tray of food so well” and, “Hi, Sweetie” and “Aren’t you a pretty girl!”  It’s not like we’re normally ignored or anything, but there was a noticeable, intentional reaching out to Kyra specifically.

It just made me feel good, that so many people were thoughtful and kind to my daughter, and made an effort to make her feel normal and capable and pretty.  

It’s very easy for me to get caught up in what’s negative in our world, with emails and movies and television reports on the news of bad people doing bad things… And I forget that there are a lot of good people, too.  Yesterday’s trip to the mall was a much-needed reminder of the kindness that is out there, that there is a decency within most people and a desire to do the right thing and show compassion.  I’m thankful for that reminder, and thankful for the kindness of strangers.

For more Gratituesday, visit Heavenly Homemaker.

For the last 2 weeks our family has been out of whack– our schedule has been overturned by staying up late with an evening VBS and large amounts of time painting and cleaning a rental house.  I haven’t spent much time with my kids, in fun activities or even in parenting.  We’ve had a lot of fast food meals and slow-moving mornings.  I’ve been dealing with an emotional issue with a friend and I’m tired, emotionally drained, and last night I stayed up until 3 in the morning watching reruns of a sitcom wasting my brain.

And I have used all of those things as rationalization for letting things slide.  “Oh, I’ve had to ask Levi to pick up his cars from the living room again, for the 4th time.  Well, I’ll just remind him again, because after all, it was me who kept him up late last night while we finished painting at the rental.”  And ”Oh, Kyra didn’t put away the heating pad like I told her, she just threw it on the floor of my bedroom.  But I’ll just put it away for her, because she’s outside playing and I’d have to go out and call her in and wait and tell her to do the job… I’ll just do it.”  And “Oh, Josiah talked back to me, again, but I’ll just let Nate handle it when he gets home ‘cuz I’m just too tired to deal with it.”

And so today we were swimming with another family who had brought 2 friends.  Last night’s storm had sent deck chairs into the pool, so I told my kids to get them out and not put any back in– the chairs don’t belong in the pool.  But when we got ready to leave I realized there were a ton of deck chairs in the bottom of the pool… and when I asked Josiah about it, he said one of the other boys, one of the friends, had put them in. 

And that’s when I was that mom:  I just knew my son wouldn’t lie to me, not even to save his own skin, and without even asking the friend if he had done it, I yelled at him.  Don’t get confused here– I didn’t yell at my kid.  I yelled at the friend of the other family.  Angrily telling him he shouldn’t have done that and to get the chairs out of the pool.  Nice, right?  Don’t you want your kids around me?

It gets worse:  Josiah had lied.  They had all thrown the chairs into the pool and played on them.  So not only had I yelled at someone else’s kid, it was for something my own kids had done too. 

I shouldn’t be suprised, really, by my behavior or my kids’.  With my own lack of self-control and all the things I’ve let my kids get away with lately, it’s no wonder I over-reacted without assessing the situation, or that my kids disobeyed me with the pool chairs, or that Josiah sought to avoid punishment by blaming someone else.  I’ve allowed the “tone of our home” to degrade into low expectations and the path of least resistance, and today was the result. 

When I don’t use self-discipline to monitor my own behavior or to uphold the beliefs and guidelines of our family, then of course the kids will feel the reigns slackening and push against the unsteady boundaries.  I’m not excusing the wrongdoings of my children– I believe they should live as they’ve been taught no matter the circumstances– but I recognize that they will follow the lead of the parent.  If I am am cheerful, they have a more joyful attitude; if I work to do my best, they are inspired to excel; if I clearly enjoy reading my Bible daily, they will anticipate hearing God’s words to them; and if I am lazy and turn a blind eye to misbehavior, they will do just enough to get by and to not ‘get in trouble’. 

Discipline in my home starts with me.  Not with me hovering, waiting to punish my children for making a mistake, but with me visibly seeking guidance from God in my life and being a good example; with me being consistent in my expectations for them and following through every time; with me leading them and loving them the same way God leads and loves me.

It wasn’t a big deal really.  Josiah (9) had asked Kyra (8) if he could have some of her yarn so he could weave a bracelet.  She had just bought the rainbow-colored yarn at a garage sale with her own money, a whole quarter.  :)  So she said no.  I didn’t really approve of her refusing to share, but knowing that she had just bought it, I understood and decided to give it a day or two.  I figured if he kept asking, I’d talk to her privately about sharing.  Well, I didn’t get a chance.

Josiah’s chore this morning was to clean out the family vehicle, and one of the things that had been left in the truck was Kyra’s yarn.  Yep, he took some of her yarn and made a… thing.  I don’t even know what it was, but he came in from weaving  cleaning the truck and proudly showed me the thing he had made, and said he was giving it to Kyra (in a “Aren’t I all nice?” voice.)

Have you had this kind of situation, too?  It’s frustrating because I know I’ve taught him better, and often I just want to scold him and spank him and be done with it.  BUT.  This is one of those things that’s a heart issue.  He knew not to do it, and he hid and did it anyway, and then he justified it to himself by giving the product of his sin to the person he had sinned against!

I first named his sin: stealing.  We live in a society of using politically correct terms and tip-toeing around our kids’ self-esteem, and we’re losing the power of naming things for what they are.  When I told Josiah that what he had done was stealing, his eyes got big first with denial, then understanding, and then shame.

I had him look up 3 scriptures and read them aloud to me:  Exodus 20:15 (one of the 10 Commandments,) Matthew 19:18 (Jesus listing things not to do, with stealing coming right after murder and adultery,) and Ephesians 4:28 (Paul telling Christians that if they steal, to stop and use their hands for something useful.)  We talked about each of the scriptures, and then Josiah had to:

1. Be spanked for knowing it was wrong but dling it anyway, which is disobedience plain and simple. 
2. Pray about what he did, confessing to God and asking for forgiveness and guidance.
3. Confess to Kyra and ask for her forgiveness.
4. Pay Kyra back.  I told him he had to pay her the 25 cents she had spent, but he decided he should pay her back 7 times that– which was $1.75! 
5. Do something useful and good with his hands.  After he gave his money to Kyra, she gave him more yarn :) and so he used that yarn to make her a dreamcatcher.

The thing with sin is that if it’s not dealt with (as in, confessed and forgiven,) then it grows.  Sin always grows.  Dealing with sin when it’s small is easier: if I had just required an apology today, then years down the road we could be trying to help Josiah deal with a stolen car or embezzlement. 

What I love about this day the most is this:  Josiah made a wrong… right, and now there is nothing standing between him and his sister.  There is peace and love in our house.  For a few minutes, anyway.  :)

I did it again.  I was late to pick up the babysitter from school, so I was in a hurry.  And of course I ended up behind 2 cautious… slow… snail-like drivers, right before coming to a stoplight.  And I did it.  I drove like a crazy idiot, speeding up and swerving around them to make the light, because after all, I had someplace to be!! 

Just as I was to the intersection, I realized an oncoming car was turning left in front of the 2 slow drivers.  I had to slam on my brakes so hard that my vehicle lurched and shook and made a terrible grinding noise!  While I seethed, I watched the first slow car mosey through the yellow light.  And while I ranted about incompetent drivers, I looked over at Slow Car #2 and saw a college-age boy shake his head sorrowfully at my terrible driving!  I was livid, so I did what I always do:  I laughed bitterly, looking straight at him, waiting for him to look at me so that I could then smile and act like “Oops, silly me, ha-ha!”  … He never looked.

What bothers me is this:

• I endangered the safety of myself, my children, and others.
• Any driver in the vicinity wouldn’t have believed a Christian word from my mouth after seeing how I acted.
• My kids witnessed my driving and my reaction.
• My kids then listened to my justification of my driving.

Yes, I drove the rest of the way to the school “explaining” why the other drivers were wrong and I was right!!  I went about the rest of the afternoon retelling myself those lies, smugly reassuring myself that I was right.  And good.  And an excellent driver.

It honestly didn’t hit me until much later, when I overheard Kyra telling the boys, “When I learn to drive, I’m going to make it a habit to drive nice and never get mad.  That way I’ll never have a problem with it.”

*SHAAAAAAAAAAME*

At that moment I could see how crazed, how unsafe, and how ridiculous I had been, trying to explain to my kids that I was actually a good driver.  I couldn’t even fool an 8 year-old; how was I able to fool myself?!?! 

I tell my kids all the time how Satan whispers lies to us, that we need to always check our beliefs against truths we know, truths from God and family and people we trust; especially beliefs that give us that uncomfortable feeling, like something isn’t right.

I tell my kids all the time… yet I ignored that bad feeling in my own heart, and whole-heartedly joined Satan in the lies of my spectacular driving skills and experience on the road, the lies that all the other bad drivers put me in a dangerous situation.

I’m ashamed that it took the innocent wisdom of an 8 year-old to force me to recognize my sin, but I’m also thankful.  Gary L. Thomas, in his book Sacred Parenting, says, “The process of parenting is one of the the most spiritually formative journeys a man and woman can ever undertake… Spiritually speaking, we need to raise children every bit as much as they need us to raise them.”

Without my daughter’s words, I would have continued on my hostile way, waving aside horn-honking and middle fingers, ignoring why I was reluctant to place a Jesus fish on my bumper (that would do more harm than good for His name…) and nurturing a hatefulness in my heart, justifying an unreasonable sense of entitlement.

Oh, how I wish I could say that I’m now cured of my road rage.  In reality, each time I got behind the wheel these past 2 days I’ve had to keep patience, peace, and self-control at the forefront of my mind and on the tip of my tongue, and it hasn’t been easy.  I expect this to take quite a while; after all, I’ve had ugly driving habits for over 20 years.  But I am committed to change, for the sake of everyone’s safety, for the sake of example to my children and others, and for my own sake; my heart’s sake.  And someday I will, without hesitation, permanently attach a Jesus fish to my bumper.

Living out the 10 Plagues of Egypt was fun and impactful.  Each morning I’d hear the kids talking about what the plague would be that day, and their conversation was a mix of anticipation and dread.  I was getting to fear it a little, myself, with the mess and irritation that came with each plague. 

We learned so much, though, by experiencing (in a small way) all that the Egyptians went through when Moses was asking for the Israelites to be free to worship God.  Each day we talked about how the plague made our life difficult or frustrating, and then what it must’ve been like when the plague was real. 

Here’s a short run-down on each day:

Day 1- water to blood; I put red food coloring in their water cups, their toilet, their sinks.  The kids had fun with it, thought it was cool.

Day 2- frogs everywhere; I made little paper frogs (square, nothing fancy) and put them in the fridge, their beds, everywhere.  The kids had the frogs die (just like in the Bible story!) and asked to be set free (go outside.) 

Day 3- gnats and lice; I put stickers (envelope labels that I cut really tiney) on their skin.  The kids got tired of the itching; Kyra asked to be an Israelite instead of an Egyptian.

Day 4- flies everywhere; I tore construction paper into tiny pieces and crunched them up; I decided to keep this mess in their bathroom, and it was plenty.  The kids thought it was funny but annoying.

Day 5- animals and livestock died; I set out their stuffed animals in the living room after making them ‘dead’, and read the story from the Bible as they came into the room.  The kids were silent silent… then asked if they could take off the x-eyes… then all 3 totally started crying!  I was unprepared for this, completely.  But what a moment of comprehension for them!  While they peeled off the x-eyes (and brought their stuffed animals back to life!) we talked about how terrible it would have been for the Egyptians to have all their animals that they loved and that they used for food suddenly die– and that Pharoah still refused to let the Israelites go.  Very impactful lesson.  Oh, the hearts of my sweet children!

Day 6-  festering boils; I showed them pictures online of boils (ew!) after reading the story to them.  Then I glued red hole-punches onto their skin.  This was a lot like the gnats; the kids were irritated.

Day 7- hail; I had them go onto the deck, and then I threw out all the ice from our freezer’s ice bin at their feet.  They tried to throw ice into the air to hit their heads (yikes!) and one time was enough. 

Day 8-  locusts everywhere; I made little paper locusts like the frogs, and put them everywhere.  The annoyance was winning out at this point for the kids as well as me…

Day 9- darkness; It was really overcast that day, so I pulled curtains closed and kept the lights off.  The kids kept wanting to turn on the lights, and got pretty whiny.  Imagine how whiny the Egyptians probably were with 3 days of total darkness!

Day 10- death of firstborn; I gave them the choice to be Egyptian or Israelite that day (they all chose Israelite!) and so we put red crepe paper on the doorpost in our kitchen since it was rainy outside.  Josiah caught the connection between the lamb’s blood on the doorposts “saving” the firstborn of each family and Jesus as the Lamb that saves us today.  Bingo!

Throughout these 10 days we talked about how Pharoah’s heart must’ve been so rotten to let his people go through so much.  This led to the discussion of how important it is for us to keep our hearts close to God, to always listen for His voice, so that we don’t become hardened to Him or His will for us.

My mom asked me what the next project would be now that we’re done with the 10 plagues.  Whew!  I think it’ll be a while before I tackle another Bible story in this way… but I know the lessons from this one will last a long time.

I heard of a longitudinal study some time ago that talked about violence in children’s shows and the impact it had on the kids when they became young adults.  It said that kids exposed to violent shows were more violent as adults, including being convicted of crimes and beating other adults at 3-4 times the rate of other adults.  Oh, and the violent shows they referred to in the study?  Road Runner and Starsky and Hutch.  You can read a summary of the study here. 

Movies and television shows for kids these days cross more moral lines than Road Runner ever did.  We’re no longer having to screen for ‘just’ sex and violence, but other messages as well: disrespect for authority, scorn of the ‘dummy’ dad, mockery of obedience to God, the only-happy ending of when you find your true love, manipulation or lying for ‘good reasons’… and I don’t know what the deal is with Disney– why does every princess have no mom? 

My stance on movies is this: the World’s rating is more… liberal than mine.  So if the World rates it as PG-13, then my kids will have to be a good 5 years older than 13 to watch it.  If it’s rated PG, I’m surely going to use my parental guidance to nix it until I’ve checked it out thoroughly.   

We use dove.org for getting previewed information on any movies we are considering watching.  Dove monitors things like profanity and nudity (yes, people, cleavage is nudity!) but also looks into themes and sub-messages that we may want to be wary of or things that would be good topics of discussion with our kids.

Be purposeful in this area of parenting; it takes diligence, but if we don’t work to protect our children’s innocence, who will?

Last night Josiah came downstairs after having been sent to bed over an hour earlier; he asked if we could talk.  He said he had to tell me something that he should have told me about a long time ago, and he was afraid that I’d be upset.

My mind was whirling… had someone molested him?  Did he do something terrible like… to be honest, I couldn’t think of anything he could have done that would have him standing in front of me with such guilt and tears in his eyes, but it had me scared, really scared, and I felt a heavy stone in the pit of my stomach.

Me:  “Honey, no matter what, I love you.  There’s nothing you can ever do that will make me not love you anymore.  We will deal with whatever happened, but I love you.”

Josiah: Okay. *Big steadying sigh* Okay.  Today at [my cousin's] house… *another ragged sigh* I’m sorry, Mommy, please forgive me, I’m sorry, but… I almost ate a worm.  *Throws himself into my arms, hugging me really tight*

I wanted to laugh with relief that nothing truly bad had happened, and laugh at the silliness of eating a worm (which I should have seen coming since he just read “How to Eat Fried Worms.”)  But I didn’t laugh, because to Josiah it wasn’t a laughing matter; it was a moral matter.  The guilt I could see in his eyes was so big in his heart that it had kept him awake in his bed and gnawed at him. 

We asked Josiah a few questions: did he eat it (no, chewed it and spit it out,) why did he do it (cousin had promised a foreign coin if he did it,) did he think it would be wrong to do it (yes,) and was it gross (yes!)  Then Nate and I thanked him for confessing to us, and talked about  how God tells us to confess to each other because He knows we need it; confessing our sins makes us feel better and it helps others to help us do right the next time.    

We told him that the act of eating the worm wasn’t wrong (we have absolutely no rules about eating worms, go figure) but since he had believed it to be wrong and had done it anyway, that is what made it sin.  Josiah was right in telling us he was sorry and asking for forgiveness, but he needed to do the same with God as well.  We also talked about Christian friends/family and what that means; to help each other do right, they should be talking about whether it’s right or wrong (I think if the cousin knew Josiah thought it was wrong then he wouldn’t have continued the dare) and encourage each other to do the right thing.  We also spent time discussing options of things he could have said or done differently, like tell his cousin he thought it was wrong or walk away if it felt like too much pressure to stand against or if he was unsure if it was wrong, to ask someone he trusted.

I’m so thankful to God that my nine-year-old is still so sweet and innocent, that his heart is so pure that the thought of willfully disobeying his parents keeps him up at night…  and I treasure these things in my heart.

As we were leaving Small Group tonight my hands were full and I was spinning like a dog chasing it’s tail, looking to make sure I had all my kids and they had all their stuff (and their coats on…)  I reached to open the door but saw it was being held open by Camryn, a six-year old.  I realized she’d gone out first and had patiently held the door open for everyone that was leaving, not just me.

That may seem like a minor thing, but not to me!  Not only did it help me at that jumbled moment, but it encouraged me to keep working with my kids on that conduct.  My friends Kim and Brian (Camryn’s parents) have obviously spent time teaching this simple yet thoughtful behavior.

I’ve tried to teach this to my own kids, and the times they’ve done it for someone other than our family they have almost always gotten a suprised and pleased response.  But then I’ve also had times when we’ve gone to a store and my kids just stood there, three in a row, waiting for me to open the door!  I believe this is a character trait that has to be built– looking to serve others in a concious way– and I want it to become second nature to my children.  I’m definitely going to be spending time on this with my kids this week.  Maybe we’ll have a couple of ‘practice sessions’ where we pretend to leave through the front door…

A quick temper?  Me? 

I try reeeeally hard to keep control of my reactions; after all, my kids didn’t try to spill the milk… for the third time… They truly forgot to take off their shoes when they came in the house after accidentally walking through the mud.. even though I reminded them…  They wouldn’t be asking for another snack if it weren’t for being truly hungry and on a growth spurt… for the cabillionth time this year…

My good intentions of keeping a lid on my temper and a bridle on my tongue fall flat on a daily basis; not because my kids are horrible, undisciplined wild things, but because they are children.  I believe that disobedience needs to be dealt with, I believe that foolish behavior needs to be corrected, and I believe that short attention spans can be grown.  But the way I deal with, correct, and grow my children needs to be as Christ-like as possible: with patience, grace, and unconditional love.   

Several years ago someone told me or I read somewhere (I’m sorry to not give credit to whoever this is from!) a little trick to speaking to your kids calmly:  At the beginning of every sentence, call your child “Sweetie” or “Darling” or “Precious Gift of God.”  It is astounding how easy this is, and how fully it works– it is truly impossible to yell or speak in anger while saying, “Cutie-Pie, I told you not to draw on the walls!”  Try it, right now;  you really have to change your tone when using words of love and tenderness.

I’ve found that the split second it takes for me to remember to use a term of endearment is enough time to get a grip on my emotional reaction.  What could have been a blow-up moment (a.k.a. my adult version of a temper-tantrum) can instead be a time of calm instruction and guidance.  With that comes training for the child as well as growth in my self-control.

Parenting is very much about discipling our children, but it is also about our own development in becoming more like our Creator.  The book by Gary L. Thomas, Sacred Parenting, is a great resource to delve deeper into this concept.

Try to use “lovey” words with your family this week and see if it doesn’t make a difference… in you!

A few weeks ago I was in Walmart with my kids, and had only a few items.  I was in the quick-checkout line, and saw an employee get in line behind me with what was obviously a snack for his break, so I offered to let him check out before me.  He said thanks and went ahead of me.

The man behind him in line, however, just stared at me with his mouth wide open.  I started to get a little worried, thinking maybe he saw something unjust in what I did (you never know what’ll happen in Walmart!)  But a moment later he said, “That is the nicest thing I’ve ever seen!”  He was serious!  He kept staring at me and my kids, shaking his head in disbelief; I was mentally shaking my head in disbelief that something so small seemed like such a big deal to him.

It takes so little for us to stand out from the majority of the world; to be that light in the darkness.  During this season of staying home with my children I may not be able to go on mission trips across the ocean, and I may spend more time doing laundry than studying my Bible; but that does not mean I cannot be used by God.  When I purposefully live out love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galations 5:22-23) I radiate the best of the blessings from God’s Spirit, hopefully planting a seed that God will grow.          

What I did that day in Walmart may seem small– it seems small to me– but it made an impact on a stranger who apparently has seen few kindnesses in his life.  Try to watch for a simple kindness that you can do for a stranger while you’re out this week; who knows what God can grow!